Comic Book Queers

Sweet baby Jesus in the manger! We are finally at the end of the mega-super-awesome(?)-crazy event of the year, Avengers vs. X-Men. This has been going on since April. A six month crapathon that tested my patience and actually convinced me to drop a few Marvel titles in the process. To put it in perspective, during this six-month event CERN discovered/created the Higgs boson, we landed a rover on Mars, the Olympics came and went. Dick Clark died. Chris Hemsworth starred in four movies. Chad Ochocinco married and divorced. And Leifeld thankfully quit DC.  Before I review the final issue let’s take a quick stroll down memory lane and do a “previously on”…

Behold my veiny member!

• It all started with the Phoenix Force chasing Nova all the way to NYC to find Hope Summers. TPF IS COMING and we never see Nova again.
• The Avengers and X-Men fight to protect/kidnap Hope and start fighting. Red Hulk donkey punches Colossus and TPF is still on its way.
• Wolverine falls for the old beer-trail-at-The-North-Pole trick, Thor flies into space and does something in a crossover book that I didn’t read. TPF is still on its way to Earth.
• Everyone fights on the moon. TPF gets closer to Earth but Iron Man inadvertently splits TPF into 5 pieces and it creates an all-powerful P.E.N.I.S.
• The P.E.N.I.S. 5 destroy/rebuild most of Earth creating “peace”. Captain America and team regroup to try and stop them because they are fighters and hate peace.
• More of the same plus Black Panther bitch slaps Tony Stark in the best panel ever drawn.
• Namor commits genocide but then Wanda sucks the Phoenix right out of him and he is back to being the chicken of the sea.
• Lisa Loeb joins the Avengers team, Colossus makes whale-lobster monsters, Spider-man causes TPF to vacate its host bodies of Magik and Colossus (yay!) but then it joins up with Emma and Scott (boo!)
• A magical kewpie doll appears as a cliff-hanger to an epic battle but then never returns so I don’t know what the hell that was about.
• Scott sucks the Phoenix out of Emma making him the most powerful mutant ever as the Dark Cyclops! Also, Charles Xavier dies.

Now, let’s get down to business. Read the rest of this entry →

Here we are the penultimate AvX book. The 11^th in the series. If these were James Bond films this one would be Moonraker. The awful movie where a crazy ego-maniac obsessed with power is hell-bent on destroying every human on earth and re-populating it with a hand-picked superior race. I think that says it all.

By the way, remember the big reveal at the end of the last AvX book where the kewpie doll alien known as THE WATCHER showed up in the last panel and presumably it was…awesome? Well, I guess The Watcher had had enough and high-tailed it outta there because it’s nowhere to be seen in this issue. Read the rest of this entry →

When we last spoke the Phoenix PENIS (that’s Piotr, Emma, Namor, Illyana, and Scott) was down to PIES because Wanda sucked Namor out of the PENIS. And then we had just the ES or EFSS if you want to use last names because Piotr and Illyana got into some sibling rivalry and ate each other out of the PIES. So that leaves us with the aforementioned EFSS which is fitting since so far I have given most issues a letter grade of F so EFSS seems about right.

This issue was a quick read; partly because there wasn’t a lot of excessive dialog and partly because I wasn’t paying close attention since I was half-reading it and half watching a documentary about teenage magicians on Netflix called “Make Believe” that was actually very good and had more interesting magic than the X-Men currently do.

We start with Iron Fist draping Hope over his shoulder while trying to escape from Cyclops but Scott corners them with his glowing thong. Read the rest of this entry →

Do you need a recap? I’m going to assume that most of you have read my Avengers punching X-Men reviews up to this point so you know they can be found HERE HERE HERE HERE HERE and HERE. But I’ll also recap the recap that’s in the front of this week’s book.

When Iron Man attempted to stop The Phoenix Force from destroying Earth his stupid Go-Bot action figure actually caused tPF to splinter and inhabit five X-Men: Cyclops, Emma Frost, Namor, Colossus, and Magik. Since then the super lame disco group known as The Phoenix 5 have reshaped the world for the better much to the Avengers chagrin. So the Avengers take Hope Summers, the intended Phoenix rape victim, to the magical marshmallow world of K’un-Lun where Lei Kung is going to teach her Kung Fu. Meanwhile, Scott is a dickbunny and tells the X-Men to destroy all of the Avengers once and for all.

So, who’s ready for some punching?!

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“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge!” Just like a Keebler Elf screaming after he accidently knocks a tree-dwelling co-worker into the grist mill; that’s how I feel about writing this recap of AvX Round 7. The previous issue, Round 6, was finally a pretty good issue. A lot happened compared to the previous weeks of nonsense. Then this happened. It’s not that it’s bad; it’s just that it was so boring. You know the trend of movie studios breaking a film into two parts for no reason other than $$$? Harry Potter 7.1 and 7.2, Twilight 4×2, and now Hunger Games 3a and 3b. Well, Marvel broke AvX into about 90 parts and the cracks are really starting to show. There is not enough story to carry us through each issue. The good news is we are more than half-way done.

Let’s start with the cover. It’s a pretty good cover and as my friend Mike pointed out, under the giant AvsX banner at the top was probably Scott’s giant head eye-blasting the crap out of the Avengers. Instead it looks like the Avengers running from Kool-Aid man after he busted though the wall. Oh, yeaahh! Read the rest of this entry →

Okay, I am going to admit it. I have been pooping all over AvX for the past few weeks but guess what, issue six is actually pretty decent. And it’s long – 38 pages of story. Plus, things are starting to happen, it’s not all punch this and kick that. Issues 0-5 could have been condensed into 3 issues max but it gave me something to complain about, which is one of my top three favorite activities (the other two being masturbating and clog dancing…simultaneously.) This issue jumps around a lot. Both in location and time so bear with me. (or bare with me since as I type this I am nude – but only from the waist to the knees. Use your gaymagination.)

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Avengers punching X-men – Part 4!

Hey yinz guys! Guess what?! We are at issue #5 of AvX. We almost halfway there. We are 5/12 there. Which means that we (and by we, I mean me) still have 7 goddamned issues left to read. If you are wondering how my emotions and energy level has been thus far for this series, I will sum it up this way: Issue 1 was fun. Issue 2 was fun-ish. In issue 3 the cracks started to show and not good cracks like Captain America’s crack. Bad ones like Red Hulk’s which is all inflamed and dry. Issue 4 I realized that this will be painful if I am not reading the gazillion weekly cross-over comics, and now we arrive to issue 5 where I am getting AvX fatigue because nothing is happening and we aren’t even halfway done. Let’s hope that issue 6 gets us over the hump and 7 picks up steam but I doubt it. It’s been like a roller coaster that goes up a hill really quickly, flies off the tracks, and then takes 4 and a half months to crash into the Earth. Let’s see what is in store for us today…

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Avengers punching X-men – Part 2!

Previously in Avengers punching X-Men…Not a lot of punching. So far The Phoenix Force (tPF) is headed towards earth and ready to possess Hope Summers. The Avengers want to sequester her while the X-Men want to exploit her in hopes that tPF will create new mutants. Read the first recap HERE then let’s move on to…

Issue 2!

The Avengers have brought a S.H.I.E.L.D. mobile super fortress helicarrier to the X-Men base of Utopia. This doesn’t seem particularly fair especially since there are 16 A’s vs. 21 X’s but what do I know? Now that we are 4 issues into this event we can finally get some punching. Right? I was promised punching. So page 1 gets right to it with …talking. The X-Men talking. The Avengers talking. At least Namor has the grace to speak for the audience when he says “The time for talk has passed.” Namor, I wish you would have said that in issue 0. Then “all hell breaks loose” when Colossus flies up and crashes through the helicarrier. LET THE PUNCHING BEGIN! Read the rest of this entry →

The best way to describe the current “AVENGERS: THE CHILDREN’S CRUSADE” nine part mini series?

IT’S LIKE AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT DICK BUFFET!

Sounds exciting, right? At first… the sights ~ the sounds ~ the smells ~ but after those first five cocks, when your wrist gets tight, and your throat starts to lock, the last thing you want to do is see another penis! I guess what I am saying is:

Please Allan Heinberg and Jim Cheung, Don’t make me hate CUM GUZZLING!!!

I mean, um… the YOUNG AVENGERS!

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