Previously on DRAG RACE, we sent two bitchez home! DOUBLE PENETRATION, urm.. I mean ELIMINATION! Everyone is verklempt! Ru is not just LIP SYNCing to the radio! And good for her! She’s got a drag dynasty to maintain. We can’t have lazy queens trying to rep her brand! Roxxy feels the heat! Jihnx falls asleep! Alyssa is feeling good! Jade gives #Jadeshade. (You can take that Ru, free! Gratis!)
(WARNING: It’s best to read these reviews AFTER you’ve seen the latest episode OR while you watch! I spoil it all! It’s not comic books, but it’s certainly queer!)
BECAUSE I’M WHAT? SICKENING!
In the T Room, One-note bitchez bleat: “ROLASKATOX!” No longer cute.
GirlRu reminds them that stars aren’t born, you have to suck your way to the top! So. Let’s get to sucking! BoyRu wants to play WHO WORE IT BEST? SQUEE!!!!!! Just a SNUGGIE and a dream! Well, it worked for Anne Hathaway’s stylist at The OSCARS! (The darting, in the top. Really? REALLY? really?).
EXTRA SPECIAL GUEST JUDGE: Ian Drew, Senior Editor of US WEEKLY and pocket gay! (You thought it. I typed it). The girls sashay shontay, panther on the runway!
For the ZEB-BRA look, I liked Coco’s cocoa but the judges liked Detox’s day glow jungle.
For the Giraffe look, Alaska’s lion MUG would be unforgettable on a real runway, but the judges give it to Roxxy. Meh.
For the PINK look, I would have gone JIHNX OLSEN, but the judge gave it to Alyssa.
US WEEKLY SWAG BAGS FOR ALL! Which I assume is a subscription to US Weekly. Does anyone read that any more? BESIDES, JENNIFER ANISTON!
MAIN CHALLENGE: SNATCH GAME! Are you GAME, SNATCHEZ?!!!
TRAIN WRECK! These bitches don’t even know who DIANA ROSS IS?! So non-characters like KATY PERRY and KESHA come to these kid’s minds. I see no difference in those choices. SNATCH GAME is actually a pretty good challenge for the girls as it’s kinda old school. Drag queens use to only do celebrity type impersonations ~ a CHER, A LIZA. Now a days, thanks to RUPAUL, they all want to invent THEIR OWN CHARACTER ~ even though most are only a variation on about four archetypes. TRUTH. So a KESHA or a KATY PERRY ~ you might know one of their “styles” (picked out for them by the team that picks out EVERYTHING for them) but they don’t have “personalities” that you could DRAG. N’est ce pas? Taymar Braxton? Not Toni Braxton? So that we’d at least know a name? BITCH PLEASE!
The only inspired choice: JIHNX’S Little Edie! YAY! Cause it’s a look and a personality!
Boy Ru HELLO HELLO HELLO‘s dem. Ivy once made a red Marilyn Monroe dress so WEEK THREE OF SOMEONE ELSE’S STYLE! You a seamstress, not a queen! Coco loves her some Janet Jackson. Six nights a week! PLEASE SAY THERE IS A WAREDROBE MALFUNCTION! Lineysha chooses Michelle Obama. No real reason. Girl just doesn’t know anything. You can go home now.
EXTRA SPECIAL GUESTS: JULIE BROWN and DOWNTOWN JULIE BROWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I won’t lie, I actually do find that extra special! Wubba Wubba Wubba! (I’m old).
Lineysha’s Celia Cruz sucks. Go home girl. Ru tries to set up Ivy’s Monroe / Kennedy jokes but bitch clueless so Jihnx’s jumps in. GET YOUR LIFE, GIRL! Again, KATY PERRY and KESHA : THEY HAVE NO PERSONALITIES TO PLAY! Peeing on the floor? Whatevz!
Jihnx won this IMO.
Back in the T Room, Jade comes for Alyssa. ADVENTURE TIME! Don’t squeeze her, she’ll fart! Can’t let it go. Jihnx has GOT TO bring the GLAMOUR! Yes, comedy is a valid form of drag but honey, AMERICA’S NEXT DRAG SUPERSTAR has to be it all! Cocoa and Alyssa get ugly.
Can we talk about something else? Oh yeah, POVERTY!
MAIN STAGE TIME! Commence Shake Down!
IVY ~ There aint no rhyme for GLAMOUROUS ORANGES! Lov it!
DETOX ~ meh. Anything she wears she’s going to be LIVING FOR because she lacks perspective.
JADE ~ Bondage never looked so boring! Terrible wig.
ROXXY ~ Just a blazer? We’ve reached the end of Roxxy’s drag closet. What next? Rainbow suspenders?
JIHNX~ Definitely boho chic but meh.
COCO ~ meh.
ALYSSA ~ nice dress but the make-up and hat don’t match.
LINEYSHA ~ Meh.
ALASKA ~ Literal fish. Literal.
Ru forces Alyssa to tweet Katy Perry. I like it.
Water off a duck’s back.
Michael Visage still wants GLAMOUR from Jihnx. He’s from Jersey, what do you expect? “He” meaning “Michael” who is ‘Michele”, not “Jihnx” who is, OH NEVERMIND! HARUMPH!
BITCH TURNED IT OUT!
See! Ru and I agree. Hee hee! ;}
BOTTOMS: Lineysha and Detox!
Can I give some advice: GIRLS! When you do your final runway, be sure you are wearing an easy to get around in GOURGEOUSNESS, just in case you have to LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE : There is no way to make a jellyfish look cute! Unless you quiver. ;}
DETOX ~ Cher, you stay!
LINEYSHA ~ Take it home! And remember: Las Muchachas Del Cha-Cha-Cha!
This is the ending, the… the ending, This is the ending of the recap you like!