Comic Book Queers

Sweet baby Jesus in the manger! We are finally at the end of the mega-super-awesome(?)-crazy event of the year, Avengers vs. X-Men. This has been going on since April. A six month crapathon that tested my patience and actually convinced me to drop a few Marvel titles in the process. To put it in perspective, during this six-month event CERN discovered/created the Higgs boson, we landed a rover on Mars, the Olympics came and went. Dick Clark died. Chris Hemsworth starred in four movies. Chad Ochocinco married and divorced. And Leifeld thankfully quit DC.  Before I review the final issue let’s take a quick stroll down memory lane and do a “previously on”…

Behold my veiny member!

• It all started with the Phoenix Force chasing Nova all the way to NYC to find Hope Summers. TPF IS COMING and we never see Nova again.
• The Avengers and X-Men fight to protect/kidnap Hope and start fighting. Red Hulk donkey punches Colossus and TPF is still on its way.
• Wolverine falls for the old beer-trail-at-The-North-Pole trick, Thor flies into space and does something in a crossover book that I didn’t read. TPF is still on its way to Earth.
• Everyone fights on the moon. TPF gets closer to Earth but Iron Man inadvertently splits TPF into 5 pieces and it creates an all-powerful P.E.N.I.S.
• The P.E.N.I.S. 5 destroy/rebuild most of Earth creating “peace”. Captain America and team regroup to try and stop them because they are fighters and hate peace.
• More of the same plus Black Panther bitch slaps Tony Stark in the best panel ever drawn.
• Namor commits genocide but then Wanda sucks the Phoenix right out of him and he is back to being the chicken of the sea.
• Lisa Loeb joins the Avengers team, Colossus makes whale-lobster monsters, Spider-man causes TPF to vacate its host bodies of Magik and Colossus (yay!) but then it joins up with Emma and Scott (boo!)
• A magical kewpie doll appears as a cliff-hanger to an epic battle but then never returns so I don’t know what the hell that was about.
• Scott sucks the Phoenix out of Emma making him the most powerful mutant ever as the Dark Cyclops! Also, Charles Xavier dies.

Now, let’s get down to business.

We start with a yin-yang analogy that basically says Hope represents order and Wanda represents chaos and they need to work together to create…ordaos? Chaoder? Tony Stark says he has exhausted the limits of technology and can’t figure out how to stop The Phoenix Force/Dark Phoenix Cyclops. “Did you post for ideas on facebook?” asks The Thing. Yes. “Did you tweet it?” Sass-Attack asks. YES. “Pinter-“ YES, HAWKEYE! He tried them all and broke the internet in the process. Tony says that the only thing left to try getting Wanda and Hope to work together. He says they must have “faith.” He should have said “Hope” because that it what they need and it would have been a metaphor. Oh well. Meanwhile on the lanai…Hope is blaming Wanda for starting off this whole war. “If you hadn’t wiped out the mutants then Scott wouldn’t have gone down this path!” Hope yells and then promptly attacks Wanda.

I am going to stop here and jump to the limited punching series as this Wanda/Hope battle is happening over there. Let’s watch…

Hope tries to throttle Wanda by mimicking her power. Wanda simply takes one step to the left, dodges the blow, and fires back. Hope blocks the strike and then says the dumbest thing ever “Ms. ‘No More Mutants!….[how about] No More Nose!” and head-butts Wanda in the schnoz. Their fight escalates to a degree that the existence of Earth is threatened. Wanda and Hope realize this and stand down. Captain America appears and says “What the HELL are you thinking?!” [AvX Fun Fact: Captain America is level 15 in guilt trips.] Wanda and Hope stand head to head and just when you think Hope is going to apologize, she sucker-punches Wanda and knocks her out cold. Winner: Hope

Meanwhile, back in the present day…Scott is just blowing things to hell and back.

Logan gives good head.

According to the Cuckoos in Cerebro (!?) every volcano has erupted on Earth. Fire and brimstone are raining down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Tidal waves, earthquakes, dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria! We see panels of cities being destroyed:

• Gambit and Hawkeye are on a date in Paris
• Scott is electropunching Hulk into the Sydney Opera House
• Spider-Man and Angel are keeping a bridge in Beijing from falling down
• The Hulk (previously punched in Sydney) finally lands in Sacramento and destroys a sidewalk that the city JUST cemented.
• Giant Man is stealing boats in the Mediterranean Sea
• Thor is regretting going to the Himalayas
• Captain Britain is hiding under a jumbo jet in the Amazon

These panels exist because the they needed to show more fighting and waste pages. I think it is safe to assume that Scott has officially committed mass genocide. Captain America then agrees to Tony’s ‘Wanda-Hope yin-yang’ plan which apparently involves long-lost Nova tackling Scott to distract him while Hope and Wanda throw some good old girl-power his way. It’s working! Wanda’s hex-blasts and Hope power of mimicry are hurting Scott because Scott doesn’t like to be mimicked. Plus, Cap throws his shield at Scott and hits him in the head, which seems like a dick move but it is Scott after all.  The Phoenix Force is being beaten out of Cyclops and Scott is coming to his senses. He remembers being chummy with Wolverine, and helping Prof X, and crying over Jean’s death. Scott then begs to be killed before it’s too late as a vision of Jean Grey appears and tells him to let go. And with that, Hope punches Scott in the face and the Phoenix Force leaves Scott high and dry – HOORAY! but then it goes right into Hope (Uh-oh!).

♫ Xanadu....Now we are here in Xanadu! ♫

But rather than destroying Earth as Darklops did, she flies around the world (with Iron Man on her heels so he can narrate what’s happening) and she puts out all the fires, and plugs up the volcanoes with rocks (because that’s how you stop an active  volcano you put a cork in it), and she calms the seas. “Sssshhhh. Quiet seas, it’s time for nighty-night.” She then flies back to the Avengers and announces that she will be the White Phoenix.  A nice, soft, and cuddly Phoenix that likes to read in the park, and pet puppies, and eat from the elote vendor carts while practicing her español.  But Wanda knows that The Phoenix Force can’t be trusted and it would soon corrupt Hope so they clasp hands, sing kumbaya, and then say NO MORE PHOENIX three times in the mirror and just like that the Phoenix Force flies away.

But then…hold on…what’s it doing now?! The Force explodes into a thousand points of light and apparently strikes random people around the globe creating more mutants thereby undoing the worst decision Marvel ever made. This would have been an awesome thing to see but we are only treated to one panel of a Chinese girl growing dragonfly wings. Thanks for NOTHING, Marvel!

Later. Captain America is enjoying a hot beverage from his freedom-themed mug (an Americano, I presume) while interrogating an imprisoned Scott Summers. Scott says he remembers everything and takes full responsibility and Cap laments that Magik, Namor, Colossus, and Emma show no remorse and have, in fact, skipped town. Cap then says he will make more of an effort to help the mutants. Hawkeye asks if he is putting together a new Avengers team and Wanda replies “Not exactly. This is a bit more…Uncanny.” LAMESAUCE!

I asked for half-decaf!

Thor then asks Nova to be an Avenger and Nova says “Really? I thought all I did was crash into things. Wow! Okay but I have to ask my mom first.” WTH?! Wolverine then appears out of the shadows and says he has a eulogy to give and Scott says the thing about The Phoenix is that “there always has to be destruction before the rebirth”. So as it turns out, Scott was right the whole time and Captain America ruined everything by taking a 3 issue story and stretching into a 90 book crossover debacle.  And our end shot is a rose blooming out of the rubble of a destroyed city.

THE END!?

Boooooring!

– of course not. We will find out more in Marvel Now, and Uncanny Avengers, and AVX: Consequences and the new A+X series that I will NOT be reading.

More Limited Punching!

Here are some one-page punching things you should read from issue 6 of the AvX Limited Series:

• Cyclops vs. Captain America:  in Verbal Abuse whereby they snark at each other hilariously for 15 panels
• AvX Science Battle with a bunch of science nerds trying to out nerd each other
• Captain America vs. Havok where he AvX Fun Fact reads: Steve Rogers has had just about enough of the Summers family. (You and me both, Cap.)
• Red Hulk vs. Domino!
• Toad vs. Jarvis!
• Hawkeye’s masturbation fantasy (no joke) with Spider-woman seductively wrestling some hot X-Women!
• Iron Fist vs. Iceman!
• Squirrel Girl vs. Pixie!