From Apollo’s after-school special break down in STORMWATCH (“Closets are for super powers!”) to Alan Scott’s ancient Chinese secret (Sar! He’s Japanese!) in EARTH -2 (The gay Earth!) to yes, the Canadian civil union of J.P. Jinadu in ASTONISHING X-MEN, this month has been GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY! And what, you might ask, was our boy K. Kells doing to make us feel proud?
AT THE BEACH, BETCH! (NATCH!)
Riverdale’s got a beach, y’all! It’s got a nuclear plant, it’s got a red light district, it’s got a Walmart! And like the lemmings they are, once school is “out” (and half the students!) everyone runs for some fun in the sun! Gay fun! (Did anyone else get the cover where Veronica is pulling a Human Centipede on Betty and Kev’s got the largest jelly cock-ring in the world, or is it just my sick mind? And Toto too!)
Enjoyed Roosevelt Franklin on the cover. He doesn’t appear inside. YAY DIVERSITY!
Kev’s found a way to enjoy his summer break AND be responsible! (BOO!) After all, he’s got to save for college, so what’s a few dollar handies under the lifeguard chair?
All the girl’s swoon! What would it take to land a date with him? A PENIS!
Veronica takes a ball to the head. Summer has officially started!
SIDE NOTE: Kevin’s shorts could be cuter. Just sayin’.)
Everything is going just swimmingly until… GLUG GLUG ~ a sound Kevin knows very well! ~ only this time it’s someone drowning! Cheryl Blossom! (“fire crotch” will be played by Lindsey Lohan in the movie version on this comic) Technically, should Kevin even “know” who Cheryl is yet? Or is this one of those ALL TEENS IN RIVERDALE SHARE A HIVE MIND things that I’ve heard so much about on HYPNOTOADzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Stupid sexy Pembrooke hunks! Kicking sand and having soul patches! Kevin’s gonna give that Sloan such a pinch! Stop being all rough and attractive, trade! The kids in Riverdale give in to their inherent xenophobia and refuse to share the beach with the Pembrooke group. Just look how long it took them to accept Kevin! Oh, wait…. nevermind!
Still, nothing that can’t be resolved with a HOT DOG EATING CONTEST! (Oh, Saro. Hot Dog Eating Contests are your answer for everything! Yes. yes, they are).Instead ~ how about a surfing competition! Kevin’s a decent surfer (and an expert at waxing hard long-boards!). Why not? It’s obvious no one’s getting laid in this berb! QUEUE WENDY AND WILL! Kevin’s “understanding” friends (Those two? Total swingers!). What’s a scorpion down the shorts between friends?
If you are anything as old as me, you were GAGGING for Vincent Price to come strolling on the beach to remind these children how to stuff a wild bikini and that BIRD is indeed the word. (BIRD is ALWAYS the word with me! Tither!).
In all seriousness, it’s rather cool of K. KELLS to deal with “bullying” in this issue. I was actually a little verklempt when Sloan used the word FRUITCAKE in an ARCHIE comic. Shit just got real, people!
Meanwhile, Kev and Wendy practice some Tantric surfing for the contest. It’s been awhile since he’s had a ladies thighs wrapped over his shoulders. Anyone else smell seaweed?
Meanwhile meanwhile, closet case Sloan comes up with a lame idea involving special glue his “bait buddy” (Love,) Sidney makes in his bedroom (Holy Project Runway, Batman! Girl is wearing an ascot in the summer time, for F sake!) that would eat through a surf board. Yeah, we can see where this is going.
Fashion page. Fashion page. Not one picture showing Kevin in a thong!?! Does Dan Parent even KNOW a gay person? RESEARCH, MY DEAR! Just google in the words GAY and THONG.
You’ll thank me later.
For some reason Kevin foreshadows that there is a storm possible. OO! Are Kevin and Sloan going to get washed out to sea like Madonna in Swept Away?! (YOU SAW IT BITCH!) No, the only disaster to hit the beach for the contest is THE KELLER CLAN! (yes, CLAN! Veronica said it!). It would be endearing if it wasn’t annoying ~ these parents support EVERYTHING Kevin does. Goddess forbid he ever needs a colonoscopy!
Everyone’s here! Let’s start the charade!
Is there any doubt who’s going to win?
It’s just a matter of “how” now and in that ~ THE OLD DOUBLE CROSS!
Cheryl and Sloan try the Tantric routine but Sloan’s “board” is a little wobbly (I hear it happens to a lot of men) and falls apart instead of Kevin’s!
A 10! A 7! A 3! (Oh, those Russian judges!)
KEVIN WINS! YAY! RIVERDALE BEACH IS FREE RANGE GAY!
Just, you know, no outsiders please.
It seems Charlie was the “secret” male gay from Pembrooke (Sidney ain’t making nothing secret) and he is tired of Sloan’s bigotry! I question how they would have ever hung out for any length of time but meh, it’s a comic! Once Charlie “teamed-up” with Kevin it was easy to finally “come out”!
Can someone come out every issue please! Who next? Miss Grundy?
Jughead gets some meat in his mouth.
Sloan ends up with a buoy up his dingy.
Finally, sense is being made!
HAPPY SUMMER EVERYONE!
~ Sarospice and The Bikini Machine! Nuff Said!