Comic Book Queers

Okay, I am going to admit it. I have been pooping all over AvX for the past few weeks but guess what, issue six is actually pretty decent. And it’s long – 38 pages of story. Plus, things are starting to happen, it’s not all punch this and kick that. Issues 0-5 could have been condensed into 3 issues max but it gave me something to complain about, which is one of my top three favorite activities (the other two being masturbating and clog dancing…simultaneously.) This issue jumps around a lot. Both in location and time so bear with me. (or bare with me since as I type this I am nude – but only from the waist to the knees. Use your gaymagination.)

So here we have it! The Phoenix Force finally reached Earth in the form of the smooth jazz quintet known as The Phoenix Five: Cyclops, Emma Frost, Colossus, Magik, Namor. And it has been a long time coming. Everyone is drawn by Oliver Coipel now which is a huge step up from John Romita, jr. who drew everyone with one eye closed (his eye, not the characters.) Here the characters actually look like people. Wolverine is now squat and not 6′ tall as in the other issues. Scott looks good with his shirt off. And Hawkeye is really cute.

We start “ten days” after tP5 got their flame on. Professor X is visiting his old pal Magneto on Utopia. TP5 have built this weird useless looking city on Utopia; all floating columns of white blocks. It’s like a home-schooled kid tried to recreate Bespin with styrofoam. Charles says it looks amazing but I think he’s just being nice since he forgot to bring a hostess gift to Erik. Charles then tells the University of Farmers Avengers that…oh wait different bald guy talking to superheroes. That ad placement gave me a concussion. Where were we? Oh, Cyclops can now read minds or speak telepathically or whatever and doesn’t need his BluBlocker Sunglasses anymore. Charles tells Scott that people are afraid of the power tP5 yields. Scott says they need not be afraid and cites four examples. #1: Magik is at the Horn of Africa creating sustainable crops with her soul sword. #2: Colossus is on the Taymyr Peninsula (which in in Siberia, btw) and he apparently built a dozen geodesic bio-domes with fields of wheat in them. #3: Namor is in the Aleutian Trench (which Sarah Palin can see from her house) and he has constructed an unnecessarily complex maze of pipes to pump (salt?) water to thirsty nations. Why would an underwater pipe need to make five 90-degree turns. It’s not like a highway that has to go around something. It’s just in the ocean. And lastly, #4: Emma Frost is in the Gobi Desert making a giant fondue pot. Charles (who is walking now? Did I miss something?) tells Scott that people fear change and he is afraid of a negative fallout from this. Scott tells him to STFU because this is the future Charles always dreamed up. SNAP!

“Two days later”, Captain America is getting a long-distance message from Iron Fist. He ran into a nest of Zzzaxes and all hope looked lost until Colossus showed up and was able to quell the fight. Not with fists but with talking. Apparently Colossus now speaks electric and the Zzzaxes agreed to use their energy for good and power a large portion of Eastern Europe. Seems like tP5 are on the up and up so far, right? Wolverine doesn’t think so – neither does Iron Man. They want punching. The came for the punching. Tony “generously” offers to build a bigger Go-Bot but before anyone could comment that that is what caused tPF to mind-rape Cyclops and his team, Hank interjects and says he wants no part of this. TP5 aren’t hurting anyone, they are helping. He wants to let it play out to see what happens. He doesn’t want the Avengers to kill his X-men friends. With that he says “Beast out!” and literally hands in his papers and walks out. Back to camera. Fade to blue.

“Meanwhile”, back on Utopia. Hope wants to leave but she also wants to stay. Typical female can’t make up her mind. Scott tempts her with essence of tPF. Hope is mesmerized and reaches out “yes…yes…me likey..come to mama”. Then Scott, who is a notorious cock tease (twat tease?), says “no way, Hope-zay. You had your chance, go fuck yourself.” I am paraphrasing there but you get the idea. And he walks away leaving Hope high and dry. Or low and wet. You decide.

“Later” (says the notation) Lei Kung is in K’un Lun hanging out with Keye Luke. Lei tells Keye that he has seen “a flaming bird in the sky” and needs the book of the fallen to stop it. Keye laughs and tells him that the tale of tPF is very old and proves it by showing him and old Chinese manuscript depicting Fongji Wu circa 1596 fighting the Phoenix. Keye tells Lei that he needs to find The Iron Fist to defeat it.

PEACE OUT!

“Meanwhile”…tP5 are solving every world problem ever. Magik looks bored as she destroys countless military vehicles. Emma easily kills a bunch of Sentinels. Colossus surfs on some missiles falling from the sky. And Namor raises Navy ships from the sea. World peace, e’erybody! We achieved it! Every Miss America contestant ever finally got their one wish to come true. Hallelujah. Not so fast…”Three days later” at the White House everyone is pissed. They are not happy that tP5 have claimed eminent domain over some government buildings and turned them into schools. They are angry that tP5 got world leaders to talk instead of fight. And they are downright LIVID that tP5 have more “likes” on their facebook page than the President has on his. THIS PEACE MEANS WAR! Tony Stark starts to agree but Captain America cuts him off and you know he meant it because he refers to him as “Anthony” when he tells him to shut it. Cap says tP5 didn’t declare themselves world leaders, they merely gave the U.N. an ultimatum: live in peace or don’t live at all. The President doesn’t like this and wants tP5 to be stopped. Captain America breaks the fourth-wall and looks directly at the reader. SIDE EYES TO THE PRESIDENT!

"Bitch, please!"

“Elsewhere” The Scarlet Witch has a vision that tPF kills The Hulk, Thor, Cap, Ant Man, the Wasp, and some thing that looks like The Iron Giant. But she is batshit crazy so who’s to believe her. For all we know she also thinks Snap, Crackle, and Pop are real and live in her blouse.

“Now”. I think the writers ran out of way to distinguish time and place in one word. After two “Meanwhiles”, a “two”, “three” and “ten days later”, a generic “later”, and an “Elsewhere”, we get a “Now”. Hopefully we are done with these. So NOW we have a slutty Mission Commander in a low cut white t-shirt from the Gap listening to One Republic on her headphones and saying big words like “USCENTCOM” and “ATC” and “vicinity” to an Avengers team that is going to do…something. I don’t know what it is yet but Hawkeye looks cuuuuute! He’s all blond hair and dark eye brows and fingerless gloves. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Also in this panel Spiderwoman is throwing hand signals from her crotch, Thor looks like he is taking a poo, and Cap is putting on an S&M dog collar. Also, Black Widow is clearly drunk. This panel is amazing. If I can’t find a pic of it online I will take a photo with my phone to include here. It’s that awful/awesome.

Hawkeye gives a thumbs up to Thor's #2.

“Three Hours Earlier” – here we go. The explanation for the previous page which was unnecessarily told out of sequence. This page is heavy on dialogue so I will just sum it up. Jump out of a plane, land on Utopia, kidnap Hope. The Avengers do just that and interrupt Scott who is shirtless multitasking on the couch. Listening to tunes, reading not one but two floating books, doing a crossword puzzle and sporting a small hard-on (for real). He suits up by putting on a skin tight black latex top and red thong. For realz y’all. All of the Avengers walk in the room peacefully except for Thor who literally punches a kid in the stomach. I am not kidding. He punches a kid. There is a bit of a stand off but in the end Wanda waltzes in and takes Hope and the Avengers away – either to safety or to a reenact the Do-Re-Mi scene from The Sound of Music.Who really knows with this scarlet nutjob. Scott then vows to rid the world of the Avengers. NO MORE AVENGERS he says as he holds a piece of Captain America’s uniform which he will now go ejaculate on just to spite Steve.

Next issue…more “no more Avengers” plus more Avengers!