Comic Book Queers

Avengers punching X-men – Part 4!

Hey yinz guys! Guess what?! We are at issue #5 of AvX. We almost halfway there. We are 5/12 there. Which means that we (and by we, I mean me) still have 7 goddamned issues left to read. If you are wondering how my emotions and energy level has been thus far for this series, I will sum it up this way: Issue 1 was fun. Issue 2 was fun-ish. In issue 3 the cracks started to show and not good cracks like Captain America’s crack. Bad ones like Red Hulk’s which is all inflamed and dry. Issue 4 I realized that this will be painful if I am not reading the gazillion weekly cross-over comics, and now we arrive to issue 5 where I am getting AvX fatigue because nothing is happening and we aren’t even halfway done. Let’s hope that issue 6 gets us over the hump and 7 picks up steam but I doubt it. It’s been like a roller coaster that goes up a hill really quickly, flies off the tracks, and then takes 4 and a half months to crash into the Earth. Let’s see what is in store for us today…

Disclaimer – Please read my previous AvX recaps here and here and here. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

So, the Phoenix Force (tPF) is almost here. Almost. I mean it was almost here in issue 0 and it was almost here in issues 1 through 4 and here we are at issue 5 it’s still almost here. Either it’s really slow or they are dragging this out way too long. Which do you think it is? If this was an animated movie I imagine tPF just flying through space and screaming and them reaching earth 3 hours later and just being exhausted. Like “Hang on guys…[huff -- puff]…gimme a minute. [Huff -- puff] Anybody got any water?”

The other thing is that on the inside cover is a roster page listing out, presumably, all the Avengers and X-Men that are in this issue. They always list Captain Britain but he must have been at tea every issue so far because I have yet to see him. Also, they don’t list all the people that are in the issue so I don’t know what this ever-changing list is for.

Has anyone seen this chap?

This is the sloppiest damn series I have ever read I am including a rambling six-issue Guiding Light fan fic that I labored over for weeks during one summer in high school. (I still maintain that having the character of Adrian Hill come out as gay and have sex with Ben Reade would have been mind-blowingly hot, especially since Adrian was played by Taye Diggs and Ben was played by Matt Bomer at the time. Take a moment.) In fact AvX is exactly like if a sleep-deprived junior high school kid named Stu wrote a one issue fan comic about the Avengers and the X-Men fighting over who’s fault it is that they were breaking up. This would be a thinly veiled reference to Stu’s parents impending divorce and Stu thinking it’s his fault and he (Hope) would rather just be consumed by fire than live through the long nightmare. Anyway…Marvel took Stu’s one-issue arc and said “Take this, stretch is into 12 main issues and 300 side issues and get that new intern with the cataracts to draw it. I need it all by Wednesday. Thanks.” Thirteen cases of Five-Hour Energy later this is what we get. Seriously, I could eat a dictionary and a box of Crayolas and crap out a better series.

But I digress.

Hope and team are still on the breathable part of the moon with the normal gravity. There is a big fight, of which I imagine was actually in some other series, Hope gets a migraine and zaps the bejeezus out of everyone. Then Hope pleads with Wolverine to kill her because she can’t control the PF inside of her. Even though tPF is still not actually here yet, it is somehow present. I guess it sent a PF by proxy in case it was late, which it is.  Also, “I can’t control The Phoenix Force inside me” was my favorite line from that Oran Juice Jones song. Wolfie is excited to get permission to kill someone and immediately gets a hard-on. Do you think his boners go “SNIKT” as well? I bet they do. Of course Scott the douchetruck puts a stop to that. How many times are we going to see this same scenario? Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Then of course the X-men start punching the Avengers and vice versa. Red Hulk calls Colossusnaut a “Little maggot” which I think is meant to be an edited gay slur, Hawkeye tries to shoot an arrow into Emma’s diamond boobies, Black Widow and Magik jazzercise, and The Thing and Namor finally give in to their hate/lust and make out.

Meanwhile, Tony Stark has decided to build a Phoenix Force killing machine. It looks exactly like a GoBot. In fact, it’s just a giant version of his Iron Man suit. Tony may be a genius but he lacks in creativity. Tony climbs in the Iron GoBot and flies to crush the flaming bitch.

Tony bought Tonka and Hasbro just so he could have the rights to build this thing.

We then get one panel of stopped fighting in various places around the globe. The space Avengers floating around doing nothing, Professor X and Legion at a rave in Ibiza, Lei Kung in K’un Lung (whateverthefuckthatis), The Scarlet Witch practicing for her entry into the Hubba Bubba Biggest Bubble contest, etc.  I am sure these “amazing” scenes are detailed out in each of the numerous one-shot, side-shots, cross-overs, tie-ins, cereal boxes, animated shorts, post cards, tumblr gifs, etc. Each of which get one panel of the fight that you have to piece together to make sense of, so…collect all 300!

Tony then flies his GoBot into space and right into the Phoenix Force (wait, this is exactly how The Avengers movie ended, isn’t it? There had better be shawarma at the end of this issue or I’ll be pissed.) TPF then explodes and instead of  being destroyed it has taken over the bodies of 5 X-Men: Namor, Emma, Scott, Colossus, and Magik. Sorry Hope, you were a ruse. TPF just wanted to ruffie and date rape you ’cause your hot what it really wanted to do was impregnate these numbskulls. Hope realizes she was a victim and now wants out of this whole situation but it’s too late. The now possessed Phoenix Force 5 posit about healing the world and how it’s “time to evolve tomorrow itself”. And with that tPF5 fly off to Earth. I expect their arrival in 5 more issues.

Blah blah blah

Next: The Limited Punching Series continues…

Taking place during Issue #5 we have two battles waging with some AvX fun facts thrown in by the writers. Up first…

<DING DING!>Round 5! The Thing vs. Colossus

We are apparently into the semi-finals because we have some repeats here. It’s USA vs. Russia. Rocky 4 all over again! The Thing who previously won his battle versus Namor, and Colossusnaut who beat up on Spider-man pretty badly. So let’s get this shit over with. We start with Colossusnaut beating up Red Hulk. Yes, Red Hulk makes and appearance on page one. Colossusnaut tosses Red Hulk into a wall. Red Hulk retaliates with a useless head butt but then flings Colossusnaut into another wall in the most static looking motion panel ever. It’s supposed to look like Colossusnaut is flying through the air and about to hit a wall but instead it looks like he is sleeping completely prone but hovering above the ground. He is about to go through a wall but in the next panel he is just waking up from his nap at the feet of The Thing! The Thing wastes no time punching PeterRasputinColossusnaut’s head straight into the ground. It would’ve been awesome if that was the end already but no, Colossusnaut promptly gets up, knocks The Thing over then throws a pillar on top of him. [AvX Fun Fact: The Blue Area is the only place on the moon with oxygen to breathe.] And gravity apparently. The Thing gets up, calls Peter “Borscht Breath” and yells “It’s colbberin’ time!” Punching ensues. The Thing then grabs one of his skin rocks and Frisbees it right down Colossusnaut’s throat. While Colossusnaut’s is self-Heimliching The Thing bulldozes him off the blue area where we learn that: [AvX Fun Fact: The Moon has about 1/6^th of the gravity of the earth.] which means the speed and force that Colossusnaut and The Thing were going propels them 6x further out of the Blue Area and onto the moon’s surface. The Thing can’t breathe so he wastes no time punching the Helmet off Colossusnaut’s head. He’s not having it so he K.O.s The Thing. The last panel is The Thing knocked down, Peter standing over him, the American Flag waving in the background.  Russia beats USA.

Winner: Colossusnaut! (X)

Parting shot: “I have won but by becoming monster only to defeat another one why do I feel as if I have lost?” – Peter has a moment of reflection.

<DING DING!>Round 6! Black Widow vs. Magik

Half of this issue is in Russian and you need the AR app to translate it. So I downloaded the fee app and it doesn’t work. NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!! Oh well. BW tells Magik to stand down, Magik refuses, BW shoots her with her wrist guns. How does she never get her hand blown off by these things? If my watch shot bullets I’d lose a finger for sure. Magik cheats by using her “stepping discs” to pop in and out of the fight like a ghost. BW and Magik yell at each other in Russian a lot and then Magik throws a disc under B.Dubs and she goes into Limbo. But not before she grappling hooks Magik into the realm with her. Now the fight is off-world in Limbo. The next three pages B.Dubs and Magik are fighting each other and battling demons at the same time, all the while yelling at each other in Russian. Finally BW puts a gun to Magik’s forehead and says, in English, “are you ready to die Illyana or are you going to take us back?” She takes them back to the moon then immediately conjures her Soulsword and stabs BW right through the torso. But don’t worry because [AvX Fun Fact: Magik’s Soulsword…has been known to render non-magical being unconscious.] So Black Widow is merely sleeping and this is indicated by her moaning  on the ground and Magik saying BW is lucky she isn’t dead. WE GET IT! SHE ISN’T DEAD!

Winner: Magik! (X)

Parting shot: AvX Grim Fact: Illyana Rasputin has no soul to cry mercy for.