Comic Book Queers

Welcome back to CBQ and to another recap of the ongoing, never ending, infinitely annoying, Avengers punching X-Men series. Thus far we have recapped AvX issues 0-3 plus the far more entertaining limited punching series where we have seen such battles as Iron Man v. Magneto! The Thing v. Namor! If you haven’t read my recaps on these issues I recommend, nay, insist that you do so now. You can find them here and here. Now, let’s begin…

Avengers punching X-men – Part 3!

Previously on Av(p)X: The Phoenix force wants to rape Hope Summers. Avengers work for the law and order: SVU and are opposed to it. The X-ies and morally ambiguous at best and have pent up sexual tensions because their powers usually don’t allow for coitus so they are leaning towards letting it happen just ‘cause. Also, Wolverine wants to film it for X-tube. 

I am not reading any of the cross-over, tie-in, spin-off books because I can’t keep track of them and I keep getting Chase Bank text alerts stating that I spend too much dosh at Chicago Comics as it is. The benefit of this is that I saved enough money to buy a red and white wrestling singlet at the International Mr. Leather expo this weeked (Scavenger can attest to this) the down side is that apparently things are happening in the off-books that I am missing. Thusly, I will project my own creative imaginings on what happened in the missing issues. Because this book is all about what’s happening in the tie-ins it feels like a trailer for the other books. Not fun for the reader who is only interested in AvX and ApX:Vs. Oh well.

Logan just shuts his eyes and pretends it's Beast

Issue 4 starts where Issue 3 left off. Captain America shoved Wolverine out of a plane over Antarctic on their way to find Hope. If you need further proof that Logan is a hairy bottoms-up bear then look at this image. Yes, he is being topped by a polar bear for warmth. Logan follows a trail of beer through the ice and snow and comes upon Hope and a spy plane. He SNIKTs. Meanwhile in outer space… remember the space team of Thor, Valkyrie, Sass-Attack, Captain Britain, Beast etc from Issue 1? Well they had their battle with the Phoenix Force (tPF) in another issue so I have no idea what happened. All I can say is that they are all floating around half-dead. Let’s assume they each tried to battle the Phoenix Force with their various powers and lost. War Machine tried to shoot it. Valkyrie tried to braid its hair. Captain Britain tried to serve it tea. And Beast tried to reason with it. Thor, who can apparently breathe in space, decides it’s hammer-time and tosses one at tPF. It screaches, flies away, and hits a planet. Or a moon. Or The Moon. Or impregnates a space ovum. I have no idea as it is not explained. At all.

Oh shite.

Back in Antarctica Wolverine wants to stab Hope but Hope has a cooler filled with beer and nothing satiates Logan after some hairy bear sex like a PBR. So he figures he can at least hear Hope out. Her plan is this: Let tPF inhabit her body to see what happens. If bad things happen then Wolfie can SNIKT the shikt out of her. She just wants to feel something for once. I’m guess she’s also a cutter.

In New York, Scott and Emma are at an abandoned Hellfire Club safe house. I want to point out that their “abandoned” safe house is more luxurious than Buckingham Palace. My guess is that the current and active Hellfire Club House is so large and well-appointed that they forget about rooms sometimes and they stumbled on this one is the east wing and deemed it “abandoned”. From here Emma mind-fucks Toad to use Cerebro back at the Jean Grey School for Murder and Mayhem so she can see what’s going on in all of the other AvX books that we aren’t reading. Each of the next 14 panels shows a glimpse into those books but doesn’t bother to tell us which books they are so you are just going to have to go down to your local comic book shop and buy everything with an Avengers title, X-men title, or that has a letter V in it. Good luck. All that is happening is a lot of nonsense that I don’t even want to get into. At one point Hawkeye shoots an arrow at point-blank range at Warren Woolworths III and misses. MISSES. Then a dinosaur tries to each Antman. Emma is too confused, as are we, and gives up. IDKWTFisgoingon.

At this point, I’d like to point out that my wireless mouse had been blinking “low battery” for the past 4 weeks and it still works. That has nothing to do with anything I just wanted to note it.

Presently, at the Bank of America Avengers Tower, Tony Stark notes that “there is a decreasing delta in the away team’s telemetry” and that he talked to Beast, T’Challa bread, “and even Hank” and they all decided he needs to build a giant gun. I don’t know if Tony was admitting to having to stoop so low as to actually get the opinion of this Hank person or if his name is Even Hank and that he is the cousin of Steven the guy who’s super power is to be eternally mediocre.

Over to the penis-shaped A.I.M Worldworks staging area where Wolfie is stabbing all the A.I.M. agents and is literally dripping in blood; Hope is using a gun. They steal a rocket and fly to the moon. They walk down the gangway but are stopped on their way to customs when they run into RedHulk, Chris Evans, Thing, Iron Man, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Ant Man. Turns out that while Hope was napping on the space flight Logan contacted the Captain America and told them to intercept. Even though Cap tossed Logan out of a plane Logan got to do it with a bear so all is forgiven. Not so fast, says Scott with his lasik mascara. He has Emma, Colossusnaut, Namor and chick-with-electric sword (Dazzler?) ready to fight again. Just just as they are about to duke it out Thor crashes into the Moon and tPF appears overhead. Can I also point out that everyone can apparently breathe in space without needing a mask nor do they need gravity boots to keep from floating away.

To be continued in three weeks, y’all. Because Brian Michael Bendis had that trip to the Grand Canyon already planned so you will just have to wait to see how long this can drag out.

Next: The Limited Punching Series continues…

Taking place during Issue #4 we have two battles waging with some AvX fun facts thrown in by the writers. Up first…

<DING DING!>Round 3! Captain America vs. Gambit.

Is this even going to be a contest? Super soldier versus gay croupier? We are in THE SAVAGE LAND so says the caption. Cap wants to leave but Gambit throws some playing cards at the ground and Cap cartwheels through the air. Steve counters with the only thing he knows how to do and Frisbees his shield at Remy. But guess what, Gambit grabs the shield, supercharges it and whips it back, this time at a tree. Cap dodges, retaliates, punches etc. Gambit then supercharges Cap’s chest armor and blasts him into the woods. Steve emerges from the debris with his buff, hairy chest exposed and…sigh. Chris Evans is hot.  Gambit throws some cards (boring!) and Cap charges at him [AvX Fun Fact: Captain America can run a 40-yard dash in 3.82 seconds.] Cap then punches the trench coat right off of Gambit and he is down for the count.

Winner: Captain America! (A) – Was there any doubt?

Parting shot: “Can someone please…grab my spare uniform?” – Steve Rogers

<DING DING!>Round 4! Spider-man vs. Colossus

Latveria. Spidey and crew just finished making a bad-guy pile in the middle of the town square in Doctor Doom’s homeland. [AvX Fun Fact: If Doctor Doom diverted his budget for Doombot construction, he could abolish poverty in Latveria.] Colossus then shows up to kill Spider-man. Spidey dodges a slam and says “Armor over steel skin. Can you say ‘overkill’? We need to get you on Project Runway ASAP.” Make it work! Colussus generously offers to “end it” before he hurts Spidey. Spidey declines and web-jizzes in Colossus’  eyes. [AvX Fun Fact: Spider-fluid is 2.62 times stronger than steel.] As any twink in the backroom of the Jackhammer will tell you, getting…ahem…“fluid” in your eyes burns, even if you are a Colossus. Or a Colossusnaut as Spider-man points out. [JSS Fun Fag Observation: ‘Twink’ and ‘Jackhammer’ would be good superhero names. They’d be a crime-fighting couple that are into punching and fisting.] The next few panels are so entertaining that I will repeat them verbatim (just let me move my laundry to the dryer – BRB.)

Panel 1: Colossusnaut is stumbling blindly since still has the spider-fluid in his eyes. Spider-man hops over him and says “Here’s how this goes…I blind you for a bit. You get all annoyed since you can’t hit me.”

Panel 2: Spider-man is repeatedly punching Colossusnaut in the kidneys. Spider-Man says “I tire myself out punching you for eight hundred million hours.” [AvX Fun Fact: Colossus’ kidneys are inedible.]

Panel 3: Spider-man webs up Colossusnaut’s feet. Spidey says “Eventually, I trick you into falling into some half-set concrete, a bottomless pit, or an inexplicable vat of molten marshmallow.” [Oxford comma mine]. Spidey continues “Sorry for the spoilers.”

Colossusnaut replies “Not a problem” and claps his hands sending Peter Parker airborn. Spider-man lays stunned on the ground and offers to quit fighting and thumb-wrestle instead. Which he quickly retracts after noticing that Colossusnaut has colossus thumbs. Colossus then picks up Peter Parker by pecks and pickle and tossed him into a wall. Spider-man retorts “Okay, I’ll admit it. That fastball is special.” Colossusnaut then tosses broken Doombots at Spider-man which explode. [AvX Fun Fact: Doombots explode with the force of an M67 hand grenade. This is a design flaw.] Spider-man is getting the crap beat out of him but isn’t giving up. He is ready to fight to the death. Correction, to the pain. But then Daredevil shows up and “makes” Spider-man leave.

Winner: Colossusnaut! (X)

Parting shot: “I thought I was going to end up as incredible spider-paste.” (What, you thought Colossusnaut would say something witty?)

Next all-punching issue: Chick battle! Black Widow vs. Magik and then The Thing  vs.Colossusnaut. I guess we are into the semi-finals now.

ADDENDUM! – Marvel just RetCon’d itself with the most recent Wolverine and the X-Men issue. First of all, WatX came out a week after AvX issue 4 yet takes place a few days or hours before. How do we know this? Because in AvX4 Wolfie and Hope are on the moon but in WatX they are still trying to get to the moon. This was annoying because it took all the dramatic tension out of WatX – will they get to the moon? Yes, they will. We know because we read it a week ago in AvX4. Aside from that, in AvX4 Wolfie said that he called Captain America from the rocket while Hope took a nap but in WatX he calls Cap from the battle. Which is it Marvel?! Which is it?