Comic Book Queers

I’m casting CLAY MANN in the Kevin Keller movie so… DONE! YOU’RE WELCOME!

I am also saying Dan Parent probably saw him at some comic-con and started the character as his “secret admirer” for Clay. WHY? Cause it gives my review of KEVIN KELLER #2 CONTEXT!

Girl, are you going to review EVERY ISSUE? Well, I don’t know if this answers your question but CREAM CHEESE! Also, it’s queer, rightz? And as I stated in my last article on K. Kellz, I am really trying to warm up to this guy in gay comics history.

#2 is the SPECIAL PROM ISSUE! SQUEE!

Let’s be honest, Riverdale is worse than Twitter for keeping a secret and everyone (AND I MEAN EVERYONE) can’t wait for Kevin to get balls deep.

 

 

 

Disclosure: I didn’t get to go to the prom but my in-the-closet boyfriend at the time did. With some other girl. So it’s another of those “life’s touchstones” that everyone else has had that I have no relation with. I WIN THE “FML 1980′s” GAME!

Disclosure: Kevin Keller likes yard work. Lots and lots of yard work! Wasn’t this ho getting his hoe on last issue too?

Kevin Keller is class president. He’s organized, able to work under timelines, and liked by his peers. And Veronica is the head of the prom committee. Cause she gives the best head. What?

WORLD HISTORY! THE 1970′s! THE FUTURE!

“What are: The worst themes ever for a prom, Alex?”

 

Disclosure: Kevin Keller’s daddy is a M.F.D.I.L.F.! Just saying! Love how old love letters to his wife are kept in the living room junk drawer for access at all times! Triple AAA batteries? Nope! One of those mini eye glass repair kits? Nada! Daddy’s attempts at getting mom to play open faced tuna sandwich. At low tide. FOUND IT!

Cause Kev’s got a secret admirer! (coughJugheadcough) And once again this character lives out some story idea that was verboten for anyone GLBT before in comics. I am not saying it doesn’t happen in real life….

Disclosure: I gave someone secret admirer letters when I was in high school. I gave him flowers too. After a few silly teenage notes forth (never back) he found out it was me, saw me in the hall waiting for Drama Club to start, walked up to me, and said: “forget about it”. I WIN THE “FML SECRET ADMIRERS” GAME!

Kevin however is open and receptive to his secret admirer. Cause he knows how hard it is to BE a closeted gay teen. Or does he? I mean, wasn’t his first issue a big “BUT I’M GAY!” reveal? It’s not like Veronica and Kevin spent time down at the record shop so she could pick up KISS LIVE, while Kevin gets FLORENCE HENDERSON SINGS GYPSY AND FLOWER DRUM SONG.

 

Note passed, note passed, note passed, Everyone teases Kevin about being a knob-gobbler, fashion pages, another note… finally A DATE!

“On prom night, meet you by the thinker statue in the park, at 7:00!”

Oh!

In the dark park!

By the statue of the naked man!

Sounds delightful!

Kevin gets decked out in daddy’s groovalicious duds and sits in the park. Not gay at all.

But oh noz! KEVIN GETS STOOD UP!

But being the trooper he is do you think Kevin gets a bag of Taco Bell Doritos Shells, a gallon of Hagen Daz, and settles in for re-runs of DOOMSDAY PREPPERS? Heck no! He goes to that damn prom and he has fun, and he dances…. DANCES, YOU BITCHES! With tears in his eyes! (That’s how I read it). He may not have gotten his rocks off like everyone else did that night (Archie Twice!) but dammit he’s got that photo forever of HIM AND HIS FRIENDS: BETTY! VERONICA! ARCHIE! JUGHEAD! A YOUNG PAUL SHAFFER!

Any room in that junk drawer for my memories, mother?

….No?

O.K., i’ll be out in the yard setting your annuals for you.

~ AND SCENE!

But it wouldn’t be an Archie comic leaving it like that. No, we find out that Kevin writes his admirer again to say he understands. It’s 2012 and even though we have a gay class president, a GLBT committee at school, and a gay principal (COME ON! MR. WEATHERSBY!), heck there are even comics written with gay characters, but you, sweet simple (stuck in the 70′s) admirer, you can stay in the closet as long as you need to……

CAUSE IT’S THE KEVIN KELLER SHOW AND SOME SAD BITCHES ARE STARVING!

~ Sarospice is enjoying the shitza out of this title. Now, does anyone else have an overwhelming desire to watch the movie DISCLOSURE starring Demi Moore and Michael Douglas?