And so there came a day, a day unlike any other, when LegionTonyL, the Scavenger, and PattyBoom got together to talk about the Avengers. In anticipation of seeing the movie, the CBQties spent some time reminscing about their favorite (and least favorite) Avengers moments. Which Avenger hasn’t been himself lately? Which Avengers do the CBQ gang identify themselves with? Which Avenger is a FABULOUS gay icon?

Note: This episode was recorded prior to the US release of The Avengers, so it is 100% movie spoiler-free!

It's the wrong. fucking. Spider-Woman, PattyBoom.

Now in glorious full color!

At this year’s C2E2, StevieD, TonyL, and the Scavenger had the opportunity to chat with some really fantastic comic book creators.

Dave Losso is the Chicago-based writer and artist behind The Great Sandwich Detective and Kill the Wonderhawks. For more on his work, check out www.paperandplastick.com.

Pab Sungenis writes the weekly webcomic The New Adventures of Queen Victoria, published at www.newadventuresofqueenvictoria.com

Dan Parent is a prolific writer and artist for Archie Comics, who has most recently been chronicling the adventures of Riverdale’s openly gay teen, Kevin Keller.

Joe Eisma is the regular series artist on Image Comics’ Morning Glories, which recently introduced a gay romance subplot.

Aaron Kuder (aaronkuder.daportfolio.com) illustrated Key of Z; Amory Wars; and, most recently, an issue of DC’s Legion of Super-Heroes.

Daniel Ketchum is an Associate Editor in Marvel Comics’ X-Office. He oversees Astonishing X-Men, Wolverine & the X-Men, X-Men Legacy, and X-Factor. You know, the gay ones.

Avengers punching X-men – Part 2!

Previously in Avengers punching X-Men…Not a lot of punching. So far The Phoenix Force (tPF) is headed towards earth and ready to possess Hope Summers. The Avengers want to sequester her while the X-Men want to exploit her in hopes that tPF will create new mutants. Read the first recap HERE then let’s move on to…

Issue 2!

The Avengers have brought a S.H.I.E.L.D. mobile super fortress helicarrier to the X-Men base of Utopia. This doesn’t seem particularly fair especially since there are 16 A’s vs. 21 X’s but what do I know? Now that we are 4 issues into this event we can finally get some punching. Right? I was promised punching. So page 1 gets right to it with …talking. The X-Men talking. The Avengers talking. At least Namor has the grace to speak for the audience when he says “The time for talk has passed.” Namor, I wish you would have said that in issue 0. Then “all hell breaks loose” when Colossus flies up and crashes through the helicarrier. LET THE PUNCHING BEGIN!

DONKEY PUNCH!

Red Hulk then donkey punches Colossus while most everyone else falls head first into the ocean. Except Spidey, who is usually upside-down in most panels, falls right-side-up. What is happening in this crazy world?! Namor then punches The Thing onto dry land and Luke Cage punches Namor to the bottom of the sea. Punching! Cyclops tries to eye-blast some Avengers out of the sky but Captain America cracks him in the head with his shield. While all of this is going on, the writer is having fun describing the fighting like this: “Indestructible shield meets mutant skull. The first of the day’s concussions.” The Avengers then face off with the X-Men on a line of scrimmage. Did I mention how awkward the art is in this book? Because it is. Proportions are drawn all wrong and every man jaw under a mask is identical. I think John Romita Jr. needs to practice more. Meanwhile, Hope is feeling guilty so she tries to make a break for it but Emma, still pissed off that her own comic was cancelled, isn’t about to have one of her students die today! So she runs outside to telepathetically mindfuck the Avengers but Iron Man has deployed airborne “microscopic telepathic tasers” which Emma inhales promptly giving her a diamond-plated migraine. “Calgon! Take me away!” she yells. She doesn’t but she wants too, I can tell. She then gut-punches Iron Man with her diamond fist. He’s about to retaliate when Magneto shows up but then Quicksliver shows up to work out some daddy issues. Is this how this is going to be for the next umpteenth issues? Cut to Wanda writing in her dream journal (I kid you not.) She has written “Wanda’s Dream Journal” in fat girl cursive and has drawn an outline of the Phoenix Force on the facing page. Or maybe it’s a hippogriff. Meanwhile back at the boxing match, Wolverine growls when his fellow mutants call him a traitor. He then gives a whole new meaning to head-butting when he replies “Maybe if y’all pulled your head out of cyclops’ ass…”. Now Storm and Black Panther are arguing about the fighting and she says “This is why we have a marriage counselor!” Somewhere on earth a rogue tornado just destroyed a trailer park. Flash to Hope watching from the base. She laments at being the cause of the fight and yet not being involved in the actual fighting. So she elbows some Mystique-looking thing named Laurie/Transonic in the face and the call out box reads “Fourth nose broken in the last eight minutes.” HA! The battle continues on and Cap tries to reason with Cyke but Scott is a dickbus so that doesn’t work. Scott then tells Magik to use the backdoor, which we know Scott likes from the earlier head-butt comment. Seriously, what sloppy bottom is writing this? Magik and Dr. Strange take a mini-vakay in Limbo to duke it out while Spidey and Wolfie sneak up on Hope through an unguarded drain pipe. There is always an unguarded drain pipe. Hope then knocks out her classmates and Wolfie tries to SNIKT her but she gets her Phoenix flame on, nukes Logan to a crisp, and takes off. Meanwhile in deep space the “Outer Space Away Mission” featuring Beast, Thor, Sass-Attack, The Vision (oooh more marital strife!), Valkyrie, War Machine, Protector and Captain Britain prepare to face off against the oncoming Phoenix Force. Thor says “Today is a good day to die.” And….scene.

Next: The Limited Punching Series begins!

Taking place during Issue #2 we have two battles waging with some AvX fun facts thrown in by the writer. Up first…

<DING DING!>Round 1! Iron Man vs. Magneto

Magneto assumes this is going to be a short fight considering that he controls metal and Iron Man is made of…non-metallic carbon nanotubes? Oh Tony, you think of everything. Tony tells Magneto that his old drinking buddy/tennis doubles partner Mike Tyson said “always have a plan.” Magneto agrees and promptly drops a building on Iron Man’s head. [AvX fun fact: Each Utopian tower weighs 170 tons.] Ouch. Iron Man crawls from the rubble and fires a swarm of neodymium high-grade super magnets at magnetman. Erik numbers them at 2 million. [AvX fun fact: Magneto has magnetic counting powers.] The two continue to fight with weapons and wit. Over the next four pages the following happens. Erik references Auschwitz – AGAIN. Tony makes a snarky comment in return. He then harnesses the power of Jupiter (yes!) via well-placed Stark Industries satellites and zaps Magneto into the stratosphere. Erik then harnesses the ghost of Obi-Wan and says he “felt an entire planet vanish in an instant.” As if a million voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.  Erik feels something terrible has happened as tPF destroys another world and realizes they are in over their heads. He calls out for help from his daughter, The Scarlet Wanda.

Winner: IRON MAN! (A)

Parting shot: “Well, this has been fun and absurdly expensive but you just float around in space while I go punch some of your friends for a while” – Tony Stark.

<DING DING!>Round 2! The Thing vs. Namor (the Sub-Mariner)

When last we saw these oddly matched heroes Namor had punched The Thing out of the water and apparently right through the helicarrier. [AvX fun fact: The helicarrier repair will cost $3,200,067.] Thing then air-surfs a piece of shrapnel right down into Namor’s face and they both sink to the bottom of the sea. Thing laments that he can’t talk underwater and Namor smirks. Thing, who can either hold his breath for long periods of time or doesn’t actually breathe, then hurls an olde-timey pirates treasure chest at Namor and a thousand dubloons rain down on him. By the way, I need to say how much I love the art in this chapter. Shout out to Stuart Immonen (pencils) and Wade von Grawbadger (inks)! Thing then refers to Namor as “Nimrod” so he grabs a gigantic angler fish by the tail (“MEEP!” says the fish) and bitch-slaps Thing with it. Thing then rips out the fish’s front fangs [AvX fun fact: Braces can cost up to $6,000. Extra for sea monsters.] and pins Namor to the sea floor.

Winner: The THING! (A)

Parting shot: “Next time Namor turns up. I swear it’s gonna be in a tuna casserole.” – Thing

Next all-punching issue: Spider-man vs. Colossusnaut and Captain America vs. Gambit. Go figure.

Issue 3!

Wolverine is a midget apparently.

Remember the Issue 2 cliffhanger with a group of space Avengers about to be obliterated by tPF? Yeah, that’s not in this issue. Instead it’s back to Romita’s crappy art and we pick up on Utopia after Hope turned Wolfie into a toaster strudel.  For anyone that has ever wanted to see what a hairless naked Logan looks like, you’re in luck. I, on the other hand am going to agree with Spider-Man when he looks at him and says “Yuck.” Spidey then fills us in on the happenings while Logan puts on a lululemon track suit. Turns out the X-Men surrendered to The Avengers and they are trying to hug it out. Logan doesn’t like the smell of that and in true Logan fashion belittles everyone for not figuring things out faster. It’s a ruse and Illyana pulled the old slight-of-hand and switched places with Dr. Strange then teleports a handful of the X-Men to Long Beach for some fish tacos; leaving the remaining X-pendables in the care of Iron Man. The Uncanny X-scapers decide to storm the Jean Gray school and use Cerebra to locate Hope. I thought it was called Cerebro but maybe this is the lady version. Did I mention how awful the art is in this book? Ugh look at this, is Scott an anorexic pedophile now?

Meanwhile Hope breaks into a RadioShack and creates a device that (to borrow a genius joke from Comics Alliance’s Andrew Wheeler) checks her into five separate places on foursquare. HA! So Rachel Summers (how many fucking Summerses are there?!) reports back to The Avengers that Cerebra can’t pinpoint Hope but gives Captain America first and then Scott the list of places that Hope is the mayor of (again, to give credit where credit is due – Andrew Wheeler joke too good not to share) Cap sends teams to these places, which all sound like rejected EPCOT rides: Wundagore Mountain, Tabula Rasa, Wakanda, Latveria, and Savage Land. Romita then draws the most disproportionate static image I have ever seen. Logan is a midget in the wide shot but on the next page he is as tall as Steve Rogers. Also, there is no movement in that panel – which I placed at the top of this issue review. Please note how awful it is. God, he sucks. Then Cap and Wolverine fight about killing/not killing Hope (you can guess who wants to stab her and who doesn’t).  Giant Man donkey punches Logan and then this happens

Steve takes out his sexual aggression on Logan's face

after which Giant Man kicks Logan out of the plane at 30,000 feet because this is a non-smoking flight and Logan loves his stogies. This was apparently Cap and Sharon’s plan all along which begs the question why didn’t they just leave him on Utopia and spare the Avenger vs. Avenger mid-flight deplaning?

To be continued...

There you have it. AvsX thus far. As I mentioned in the last review, The Avengers and The X-Men are so distracted by all this posturing and grandstanding that the world’s villains would be stupid not to take this window of opportunity to sneak in and take over. All I’m saying is that if this doesn’t end with Ultron and The Adversary having taken over Earth while the Avengers and the X-Men were out fisting each other then I’m gonna be pissed.

—

By the way, the AvX fight/story continues in the following comics: Avengers #26, New Avengers #26, X-Men Legacy #266, Uncanny #12, Avengers Academy  #29, Secret Avengers #27, and Wolverine & The X-Men #10. Jesus fucking Christ! Are they serious?!

Avengers punching X-Men! – Part 1

We are about a third of the way through this event where The Avengers and the X-Men are putting their temporary BFF status on hold while they beat the shit out of each other for a few weeks. Well, a few weeks for the readers, probably more like a few days for them. In any case it’ll be enough time that they are distracted by chasing Hope and The Phoenix force around that other villains would be stupid not to take advantage and run amok.

Cap and Cyclops enter a deep-throating contest.

This up-to-now round-up is my recap/understanding of A->vsX. Marvel says this will be a 9 issue event but they started with 0 and are doing a 6 issue limited fight series plus multiple spin-off/crossovers so this will most likely be going until September and be about 328 issues. But for this write up I’ll be taking into account Issues 0-3 including the nifty digital 0.5 issue “Infinite”, and the punchathon #1which is ridiculous mess in and of itself.

Let’s start the fight with Issue… 0!

We start issue 0 with M.O.D.O.K. and A.I.M. attempting to kill some guy named Doctor Udaku. I don’t know who that is but The Scarlet Witch saves him by battling M.O.D.O.K. in front of The White House. M.O.D.O.K. explains to her (us) that TSW is a disgraced Avenger after she went bonkers and wiped out all but 200 mutants on Earth. Wanda is about to be zapped by M.O.D.O.K. but is saved by Sass-Attack (that’s what I named Ms. Marvel before I knew who she was) and Spiderwoman -how embarrassing for Wanda. Sass-Attack gets sassy and reintroduces herself to Wanda: “Hey Wanda, it’s me. Darva Conger. And this is um…Spiderwoman. Remember us from the Daughters of the Revolution bridge club?” The ladies then head to the manse and Wanda is confronted by her (ex) hubby Vision. He says how much love(s/d) her but ultimately tells her to hit the bricks. So Wanda cries and Vision cries and then Darva cradles Wanda and they fly off to have…lesbian sex I assume.  Meanwhile on Utopia, Scott is mean to Hope when she quizzes him about The Phoenix. Scott, who is drawn like an old man for some reason, tells her to STFU and GTFO mainly because Cyclops is still embarrassed that he used to put his one-eyed monster into the Phoenix. SPICY! So Hope gives him the stink-eye and flies off to mope. She ends up foiling a bank robbery and beats the crap out of some snake-themed gang. I didn’t know Hope was a parseltongue but you learn something new with every retcon. Then Scott and Emma show up and scold her and blahblahwhatever. The last panel is the Phoenix Force headed for the little (X) emblem in the bottom right of the page. So far it’s just been X-Men vs. X-Men. Sorry Avengers.

Up Next…Issue 1!

The Phoenix Force (tPF) is hurtling towards earth and destroying worlds along the way. Some porcupine pin-head farming planet gets obliterated. Meh, their crops probably tasted pokey. Meanwhile at the Avengers Tower… Tony Stark, Thor, Sass-Attack, Cap, Wolfie, Spidey, and a few other are literally just standing around waiting for the book to begin when tPF then reaches Earth and cracks a wing off a jumbo jet. Thor needlessly says ‘AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!’ since they were all gathered to begin with but whatever, Thor’s a homo. TPF then gives a one-two punch to the Chrysler Building but Spidey makes a net and catches the people while Sass-Attack catches the top of the Chrysler building. I have no idea where she puts it but the next panel she’s standing around like “building? What building?”. Then Thor’s hammer tornado lands the plane on the water and the Avengers re-assemble to go look at what caused the destruction. Surprise, it wasn’t The Phoenix Force it was Nova! Cap yells for a medic while Hawkeye helpfully says “I thought Nova died.” Nova says “It’s coming”. But no one knows if he is referring to an evil thing or a penis thing. Instead Captain America just looks at his own reflection in Novas helmet. Jackass. Back on Utopia Scott is training Hope so roughly that even Magneto mentions he is going a bit far. Hope gets pissed and tPF blats out of her and flings Cyclops sky high. Meanwhile, at the White House Iron Man shows the President and his friends a powerpoint presentation on tPF and warns that’s it’s on its way like…right…NOW! So Cap fills in Wolverine (not like that. I wish! You know Wolfie’s a big ole bottom bear) and they decide to stop tPF at any cost. Scott on the other hand thinks tPF can be the resurrection of the mutants because there is less than 200 left on Earth although I read Wolverine and the X-Men and I swear there are more than 200 in that school but whatever. So The Avengers go to Utopia and try to talk to the X-Men. Cap wants to put Hope in protective custody and Scott tells Captain America to suck his dick and blasts him with his laser beams. Cap mutters “Avengers Assemble” and bitch, it is on!

Reverse to the digital prequel  “Infinite #1”

Backing up a bit, there is a really cool digital companion issue entitled “Infinite” told from Nova’s point of view. The odd thing is that if you read this before #1 then the Nova reveal would be spoiled so I am labeling this as issue 0.5 but placing after issue 1. Let’s begin. Nova is flying through space trying to stay ahead of tPF and talking about how he loves Snickers and the Cardinals and Sportscenter– everything about Earth that is hyperhetero which we all know is how closet cases talk. I mean, his name is Dick Rider for Christ’s sake! He then references Paul Revere and does a lot of talky-talk and forgets to put on the breaks hence the Chrysler Building blowout. He manages to avoid a helicopter with three people in it but then destroys an apartment building with 300 residents. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Nova then tries to tell The Avengers that tPF is coming but Sass-Attack is being sassy and he passes out. This issue is worth the .99cents for the cool digital motions and this panel that niftily animates:

Nova's gaydar scans The Avengers to see who has tendencies.

Up next… Part 2!

I’m casting CLAY MANN in the Kevin Keller movie so… DONE! YOU’RE WELCOME!

I am also saying Dan Parent probably saw him at some comic-con and started the character as his “secret admirer” for Clay. WHY? Cause it gives my review of KEVIN KELLER #2 CONTEXT!

Girl, are you going to review EVERY ISSUE? Well, I don’t know if this answers your question but CREAM CHEESE! Also, it’s queer, rightz? And as I stated in my last article on K. Kellz, I am really trying to warm up to this guy in gay comics history.

#2 is the SPECIAL PROM ISSUE! SQUEE!

Let’s be honest, Riverdale is worse than Twitter for keeping a secret and everyone (AND I MEAN EVERYONE) can’t wait for Kevin to get balls deep.

...and monkey's might fly out of Veronica's ass! HI PATTYBOOM!

Disclosure: I didn’t get to go to the prom but my in-the-closet boyfriend at the time did. With some other girl. So it’s another of those “life’s touchstones” that everyone else has had that I have no relation with. I WIN THE “FML 1980′s” GAME!

Disclosure: Kevin Keller likes yard work. Lots and lots of yard work! Wasn’t this ho getting his hoe on last issue too?

Kevin Keller is class president. He’s organized, able to work under timelines, and liked by his peers. And Veronica is the head of the prom committee. Cause she gives the best head. What?

WORLD HISTORY! THE 1970′s! THE FUTURE!

“What are: The worst themes ever for a prom, Alex?”

"...and finally, our theme for this year's prom will be.. IKEA!"

Disclosure: Kevin Keller’s daddy is a M.F.D.I.L.F.! Just saying! Love how old love letters to his wife are kept in the living room junk drawer for access at all times! Triple AAA batteries? Nope! One of those mini eye glass repair kits? Nada! Daddy’s attempts at getting mom to play open faced tuna sandwich. At low tide. FOUND IT!

Cause Kev’s got a secret admirer! (coughJugheadcough) And once again this character lives out some story idea that was verboten for anyone GLBT before in comics. I am not saying it doesn’t happen in real life….

Disclosure: I gave someone secret admirer letters when I was in high school. I gave him flowers too. After a few silly teenage notes forth (never back) he found out it was me, saw me in the hall waiting for Drama Club to start, walked up to me, and said: “forget about it”. I WIN THE “FML SECRET ADMIRERS” GAME!

Kevin however is open and receptive to his secret admirer. Cause he knows how hard it is to BE a closeted gay teen. Or does he? I mean, wasn’t his first issue a big “BUT I’M GAY!” reveal? It’s not like Veronica and Kevin spent time down at the record shop so she could pick up KISS LIVE, while Kevin gets FLORENCE HENDERSON SINGS GYPSY AND FLOWER DRUM SONG.

It's real! And it's uber gay!

Note passed, note passed, note passed, Everyone teases Kevin about being a knob-gobbler, fashion pages, another note… finally A DATE!

“On prom night, meet you by the thinker statue in the park, at 7:00!”

Oh!

In the dark park!

By the statue of the naked man!

Sounds delightful!

Kevin gets decked out in daddy’s groovalicious duds and sits in the park. Not gay at all.

But oh noz! KEVIN GETS STOOD UP!

But being the trooper he is do you think Kevin gets a bag of Taco Bell Doritos Shells, a gallon of Hagen Daz, and settles in for re-runs of DOOMSDAY PREPPERS? Heck no! He goes to that damn prom and he has fun, and he dances…. DANCES, YOU BITCHES! With tears in his eyes! (That’s how I read it). He may not have gotten his rocks off like everyone else did that night (Archie Twice!) but dammit he’s got that photo forever of HIM AND HIS FRIENDS: BETTY! VERONICA! ARCHIE! JUGHEAD! A YOUNG PAUL SHAFFER!

Any room in that junk drawer for my memories, mother?

….No?

O.K., i’ll be out in the yard setting your annuals for you.

~ AND SCENE!

But it wouldn’t be an Archie comic leaving it like that. No, we find out that Kevin writes his admirer again to say he understands. It’s 2012 and even though we have a gay class president, a GLBT committee at school, and a gay principal (COME ON! MR. WEATHERSBY!), heck there are even comics written with gay characters, but you, sweet simple (stuck in the 70′s) admirer, you can stay in the closet as long as you need to……

CAUSE IT’S THE KEVIN KELLER SHOW AND SOME SAD BITCHES ARE STARVING!

~ Sarospice is enjoying the shitza out of this title. Now, does anyone else have an overwhelming desire to watch the movie DISCLOSURE starring Demi Moore and Michael Douglas?

Aquaman and Flash in love <3 <3 <3

This C2E2 wrap-up features many firsts: Steele hosting, Steele editing, Steele wearing pants. Listen to StevieD, Tony LegionL, Steele, and Scavenger dish about the 2012 Chicago Comics & Entertainment Expo. It’s so thorough it’s like you were there! So get in the cosplay mood, crack open a bottle of Peroni, and enjoy…

Didn’t make it to C2E2? Made it to C2E2 but missed the CBQ panel? Made it to the panel but JUST NEED TO HEAR IT AGAIN?!?

You’re in luck! We recorded the whole thing, and are replaying it here for your benefit.  YOU’RE WELCOME!

Some Gays be trippin’ about Wonder Woman up in here!

It’s required by law that, at least once a year, any podcasts having to do with comics and queerdom MUST record a show about Wonder Woman.

stevieD is joined by a round table of Wonder Woman know-it-alls….I mean fans, Brian Andersen, Darren Nowell, Randy Ham, and David Berger. The lads talk about what they do and don’t like about the latest Wonder Woman comics.

Full disclosure: I have an irrational fear of zombies. They terrify me, yet I am somehow drawn to reading about them, watching shows about them, listening to podcasts about them. It’s a repulsion-attraction thing. Kind of like I am with watersports.

When at Chicago Comics on Wednesday April 4, I spotted “FANBOYS vs. ZOMBIES #1″. Three things made me pick it up: Zombies, the art, it was $1.

First the good news. It was $1

Now the bad news. I want my dollar back.

The art is decent in a “Jay & Silent Bob” cartoon kind of way although the supposed loser nerds are drawn way hotter than real fanboys are. They all look like Emma Frost and Kitty Pryde and Barry Allen and Mark Grayson and not like real people at all.

While I can overlook that, I can’t overlook the horrible dialogue. It’s like an adult trying to seem cool by speaking like a teenager even though teens don’t actually speak like adults think they do. Have you ever heard someone say “It’s chill. I’m hooked to the gills on Advil!” Yo. Snap. OMG. WTF. KMN (That means ‘kill me now’ and I just made it up because the writing gave me a headache and now I need the aforementioned Advils.)

So basically a group of hot nerds are at Comic-Con and someone dumps an energy drink on a hot dog throws it away and then some idiot eats it out of the trash and zombies everywhere.
The characters are unremarkable and the story is peppered with too many in-jokes. It’s like Sam Humphries and Jerry Gaylord (writer and artist respectively) decided to create a story that would only appeal to their small group of friends rather than a larger audience.

This comic is 22 pages long and I started to skim around page 6 then flipped to the end then gave it to a co-worker who refused to read it and said “Um…no. Throw that in the trash can.”

SKIP IT.

In an episode recorded several weeks ago!

The Qties decide to record on a Saturday morning so none of them are drunk (except Tony). The conversation starts out with stevieD, Tony, and PattyBoom talking about what they’ve been reading and their reaction to the Before Watchmen announcement. They are joined by Scavenger and Steele to further discuss books they’ve read.

Queers talking about comics! This is what you wanted, yes?